Shelina Talks about Finding Love in a Headscarf

Shelina Zahra Janmohamed, knows what it’s like trying to find that special someone in today’s environment. With online matchmakers, matchmaking aunties, and matchmaking family members, she’s seen it all. In her book, Love in a Headscarf Shelina discusses the tedious process, but also the importance of going through the experience. elan got a chance to talk to her about her experiences.

Can you tell us a little bit about your background both professionally as well as culturally?

My origin is British East African Indian – which is a bit of a mouthful! I was born and brought up in London, where my parents have lived since the sixties. Before that my family was based in Tanzania for about 150 years, and before that my roots are in Gujarat, India. I worked in marketing for my profession. Four years ago (almost five!) I started a blog, and since then I’ve been slowly moving towards becoming a freelance writer.

What was your upbringing like?

I had a very warm and loving childhood and remember it with great fondness. One of my greatest blessings was that my parents both spent a great deal of time with me. They are very affectionate, and also have a deep concern for both faith and education. These have been constant themes throughout my upbringing.

Can you tell us a little bit about Love in a Headscarf and why you chose to write it?

After I started writing my blog four years ago, I was constantly asked to write a book about being a Muslim woman. I loved writing a blog– it is so liberating. And it is very quick; you can get your views into the public space within minutes. As I was writing my blog I was also building up my confidence as a writer, and finding my own voice. I resisted the idea of writing a book for a long time. Then I remember walking into my local bookstore one day and being faced with a whole shelf with a special display of books about Muslim women with words like “oppressed,” “sold” or “kidnapped” in the titles. These archetypal stories featured book covers almost exclusively of women with sad oppressed eyes staring out from behind a tightly wrapped niqab, camels and deserts in the background.

That was the day I decided to write my book. I realized that none of those books represented my story; that if I wanted my story to be told, then I would have to tell it.

What advice would you give to someone who has to go through this process?

Finding love and companionship are very challenging things, and my advice is to take all the help and support you can get! Families are on the whole very well-tuned to identifying who will make a good match for you as they’ve known you better than anyone else. They also have your interest at heart. However, you should always remember that it is you who has the final decision, and when you’re married and that front door shuts, you are the one alone with that person. So take advice, choose wisely, but remember that it’s your choice and non-one should pressure you into something you’re uncomfortable with – whether it’s to accept or reject.

Will you continue this tradition through your children?

I would have a frank discussion with my children about how they would like me to participate in their search for a partner. However, I would hope – and expect – that they would want me to be involved in recruiting suitors, and would want my opinion and advice on any choices they make.

How important is it to be a confident young woman before entering into a relationship as such?

It’s important to have some clear ideas about what is important to you in a partner and the kind of values that are non-negotiable. For example, do you want someone who is very practicing? Do you want to work after you marry? It’s good to try and envisage the kind of married life you expect – often this is based on what we have known growing up. But as well as being confident it’s important to be flexible and open-minded. The right person can often come in the most unexpected package!

What was the most awkward interaction you’ve had in a matchmaking situation?

I tell a number of stories in the book which I still find very puzzling to this day. I had one where the suitor turned up two hours late because he was watching a cricket match. Another who played a practical joke on me on our first meeting to see if I had a sense of humor, and yet another who claimed he didn’t respond to an email because his house was struck by lightening. And there’s plenty more of these in the book!

What did your family think about you publishing a book about such a personal process?

We need to work hard to convey the stories of being Muslims, and my book was part of that. My family has always been supportive of my work, and on this occasion it was no different.

Is there hope to find love through the grueling matchmaking process?

Love is certainly hard work – both looking for it, and nurturing it. There’s no Hollywood style romance that flourishes out of nowhere – instead love is what you plant, and love is what you reap. I believe that love is a divine blessing and that it is bestowed on all human beings. We just have to be open to it.

To buy Love in a Headscarf, click here.